Why is it that I want everyone to know about my suffering? Why can’t I just write in a journal like normal people? Why do i want the public to know that I hate myself? It feels vital and urgent. Like I will disappear, or I won’t matter, if I just stay quiet and don’t share my feelings on the internet. It feels like my only way to get these emotions out of me. If I can’t share them I feel like I’m choking or drowning. Maybe if I had a closer friend who I could talk to about anything at any time I would be better. But my one friend and my sister are only two people and I can’t keep unloading my emotions onto them all the time. I have to give them a break. So in the meantime I draw my emotions and post on Instagram, or write them down here. I wish I could stop.
I just want the pain to stop. Why can’t it end?.. how do I make it stop forever?
I don’t want to live this life anymore. I don’t want to have these memories. I don’t want to be me. I want freedom from my mind. I want comfort. I want to have a life I enjoy. I don’t know how to reach that. I’m so stuck. I feel like I’m in a cage. My happy memories hurt me because I know I can never go back.
I don’t want the future .. I’m so scared. I wish I could feel the love that people give to me. But all I feel is emptiness and cold.
I have so much rage in me. And I’m not allowed to express it anywhere. I have to keep it locked inside and it’s rotting my heart and making me hate the whole world
I genuinely cannot fucking stand my life. I know I should feel lucky for so many things but instead I hate every minute. I can’t stand seeing myself in the mirror. Ugly, sad, pathetic, alone, full of hate and yet so empty. I’m becoming just like my mom, spending all hours of the day scrolling on my phone because I don’t have the drive or courage to do anything else. Every day I fail myself. Every day I only just survive. I can’t see the possibility of things getting better. That wouldn’t make sense, because it’s me. The good things that happen to me never stay for long. They leave me quickly. I just want something to stay. Please god
I don’t have trauma. I had a shitty time in middle school and high school and I was extremely isolated and lonely. I couldn’t talk about my feelings with anyone, especially not my parents because they didn’t acknowledge difficult emotions. But that’s not trauma. I had anger issues as a teenager. I scared my family constantly. If anything, I was their trauma. But everything that’s wrong with me now is not because something bad happened to me. It all comes from within me. That’s why I can’t be nice to myself. I’m just depressed and heartbroken. I can’t work on any of the things that I really want to do. I have no drive, no discipline. I was good at being a student in college because I had hope for the future and I had goals, and peers and teachers to impress. Now all of my hope and drive is gone and all I want to do is lay in bed and escape life. And I can’t forgive myself because I don’t deserve this much rest. All the self-help and therapy posts I see on the internet are about healing from trauma. But all that happened to me was that someone I loved hurt me and left me. It’s not that bad. So why is it the worst thing that ever happened to me? Because I’m weak. Why am I so pathetic? It’s been enough time. I should be stronger by now.
I think there’s a cycle I need to break. Being addicted to scrolling on Instagram, needing to watch a video while I eat, always needing a podcast or tv show or video playing so no thoughts enter my brain. It’s making my attention span extremely short. So I can’t focus on an art project for longer than an hour. But the projects I actually want to do would take many many hours, days, weeks. The only things I’m working on are very short-term, instant gratification art that I make in a matter of minutes and then immediately post on Instagram so I can get the likes and comments to fill my soul up with positive attention. It’s really lame and I want to stop doing this. I want to make actually good artworks that take time and care.
It’s probably a good sign that I’m starting to think “I want my life to change” instead of “I want to die.” So maybe something will change soon
